My loss

I'm reading so many books about adoption...Chinese adoption, older child adoption, attachment in adoption, etc.  A theme I've been reading this week is to acknowledge my loss beforehand so I can help my child accept his/her loss.  The examples given are mostly about infertility.  We don't fit in that category.  We're not adopting because of any loss, actually. 

I mean, we would like to bridge the gap between our daughters' ages (9 and 1), but I really don't feel any sadness that we don't already have a child between them.  So, it was a little tough for me to figure out what my loss/grief might be (as the author is adament that every adoptive parent has some.)

All I can come up with is just my sadness for my child.  I've always been a little saddened at the thought that adopting from China would almost guarantee that our child will have no answers to his/her past.  It is highly unlikely that s/he will ever get to meet his/her first parents....or anyone in the extended family.  That makes me sad.  Open adoption is really scary to a lot of people...especially people who are not involved in the adoption world.  I think a strong link to a child's first family is SO important.  Even if it's not an ideal one.  Even if the adult adoptee finds an uninterested mother after searching and fantasizing for years.  It's much better for healing if you have answers.  It can be a difficult life to always wonder. 

I know God has led us to China and I'm beyond thrilled to meet our son or daughter someday, but my grief comes from the fact that our child will never know.  It won't stop us from talking, though!  I'm looking forward to giving words to my child's feelings and talking through the pain.  It's the best I can do.

Full Circle

We seem to be back where we started.  This blog was created in 2007, while we prayed for China.  We've done a lot in the adoption world over the past few years, but God has brought us right back to China.  So, we've sent our application to Holt and are hoping to adopt a child between the ages of 5 and 8 from China's Waiting Child program.

Taking the Plunge

We've decided to start our international adoption.  We've always known we would adopt from another country, but for the last three years, we've felt very strongly that we should start in our own backyard.  There are so many kids in this country who need a family.  We've done absolutely all we can, though.  Maybe God has children for us in this country...or maybe He had us going through this adoption process to ready us (or have us wait) for the international journey.  We may never know, but right now we're sure we're supposed to move forward. 

We've applied to one agency, but have not yet decided that we will continue with this one.  We're trying to decide on an agency and a country, so we're trying to weed through a LOT of information.  I think it might be a lot easier if we knew exactly who we wanted.  We're open to anyone God wants in our family (country, race, age, etc. are just not big issues for us.)  We have a few guidelines, but it still leaves us open to just about every country.  We'll just keep looking at countries and agencies and we feel confident that the Lord will lead us where we should go.

Let Down

We received an authorization!  When our caseworker called to tell us we needed to set up a time to get the full disclosure, I was sooooo nervous.  I was excited, too, I guess...but, mostly just nervous.  I was thinking that it's likely these would end up being our children...I mean, our caseworker has to recommend us for those specific children...then, the children's caseworker has to pick us as one of her top choices for them...then, a committee has to choose us as the first, second or third choice for the kids.  (We were chosen as the number one choice for them.)  Our homestudy clearly states what we feel comfortable dealing with and what we don't.  So, I'm thinking this is probably it.

Wrong.

The two things we listed as absolute "no's" were both present within this sibling group.  Ugh.  It's so disappointing.  I'm really not disappointed that we don't get to adopt RIGHT NOW.  I am okay waiting longer.  The disappointment is due to the fact that we've waited this long (three years) and when we finally receive an authorization we HAVE to say 'no'.  It's disappointing that what I thought must be a good system of matching children with families, obviously is not.  It's disappointing that I know all the intimate details of these children's lives now and I had to turn my back on them.  Of course they do not know we even exist, but it still makes me sad. 

These three children, with numerous issues, need a family...and when asked if we could be their family, we had to decline.  Ugh.  It's just a let down.

Starting again...blogging, that is...

The whole point of starting this blog was to have a history of my heart as 'proof' (not the right word, but whatever) to our future children that we have been hoping and praying for them all this time. This blog was never an outlet for me. Unlike a lot of bloggers, I don't feel any type of satisfaction or therapy from writing down all my thoughts and feelings. Because it's not therapeutic for me, I haven't done much on here. I recently started thinking about how much I will regret not having a written journal for our children. So, here I am...

There is SO much to say and yet there's really NOTHING happening. We feel like we've had a lot of bumps along the way and they've been VERY frustrating. We totally trust that God has our child(ren) out there, though. So, just as I believe that a red light...or a train...or slow traffic...can be God's protection (maybe we would have been in a wreck had we been further along on our drive...perhaps something tragic would have happened at our destination had we arrived earlier), we believe that these adoption detours are totally God's design to OUR child(ren).

Training

We started our required DHS adoption training on Thursday (May 1). We will go every Tuesday and Thursday through the month of May, for three hours each evening. Tonight was our second night. We've quickly realized that we're not going to get a ton of training specific to us, unfortunately. The training is for anyone involved with the DHS system, basically. So, adoption, foster, and kinship are all in the class together. It's VERY focused on the foster side of it...we're getting a lot of information on we're just temporary...we're the bridge, taking the kids wherever their permanent home is...we're working with the birth family to work toward re-unification. That's NOT us, though. We're ONLY adopting. We will not be fostering anyone. So, by the time we meet these kids they will be a possible permanent placement for us. I say 'possible' only because there is always the possibility that we won't be able to adopt someone who initially comes into our home to be adopted. The point is, though, we will not be working with birth families or working toward re-unification.

Out of 20-25 people in our class, there is only one other couple that is there for adoption. So, I can see why we would be grouped with foster and kinship. I can also see how we can benefit from seeing all sides of the training. We need to know where our kids were before coming to us....and, since they will be coming from foster care, it will help us to see the training foster parents receive. I just really wish we could have that training as adoptive parents. I wish we could be in a class that was designed for adoptive parents. I just feel like most of our time is being wasted.

Maybe different

I've logged on to China adopter's blogs every day for two years. I've read the rumor queen's blog several times a week during that same time period. I think about China all the time. I wish that we qualified to adopt right now. It really does involve a lot of my life.

Since adoption is so heavy on my heart, I also look at other countries, waiting children (international and U.S.), etc. Last week when I was looking through the U.S. waiting children photolisting, I found a sibling group of three children. I was completely drawn to them. NEVER did I think I would want to adopt more than one child at a time...NEVER did I think I'd want to adopt a child older than the age of about two years. But, for some reason, these kids were different. Addyson's only six and I definitely would never consider someone older than her, but the oldest in this group is seven. It's crazy!

I can't stop thinking about them, though. I talked to Michael that night about every detail of adoption. We have always known we would adopt from China once we met the age and marriage requirements, so we have never really discussed, in detail, other adoptions. So, I asked him his preference on everything....age, how many at a time, race, diseases, disabilities, countries, financial amount, open vs. closed, etc. We were almost identical on all of our thoughts (I've thought about the details every day for 6 or 7 years, but I knew a lot of these issues were new to his mind.) He, like me, said he would rather only adopt one child at a time...and he definitely wanted younger than 3 or 4.

Then, I told him why I was asking and showed him the photolisting of the three siblings. The next day, he's hooked like me. We haven't stopped talking about them. He actually used words like, "I really want them." and he's been looking at kids' bedrooms online, wondering what we should do for our kids. It's insane...seriously!

A home study takes 3-6 months to complete through OK DHS and, by law, you must have an approved home study before inquiring about waiting children. So, we could totally not be approved (I don't know why we wouldn't be)...we could be approved after they've already been adopted by someone else...we could meet them and for some reason it won't work out. I have no idea. Maybe our interest in them is only meant to draw us to the waiting children in America and God has someone else planned for us. I don't know.

We are starting our process now, though, so I'm just ecstatic!